Saturday, October 3, 2009


I'm crowded, but yet i still feel alone.
It's as if i don't belong, and trying to fit in is just destroying myself.
The pain I feel because i can't express myself and be me is ripping from the inside out. Will anyone really ever see me?
Will I ever know how to really make people see me? Can i cure myself of my depression, my insecurity, my insanity?
If only i knew....

Is there ever a time when you look out at everyone and try to find someone most like yourself? Someone who maybe balances you out? or someone who you can truly say sees right through you but you don't mind?
As a person with a truly fragile personality, i have a knack for looking for co-dependency. searching for someone who will attach themselves to me, just as i will attach myself to them. I believe in loving everyone fully, and being able to be open to read. being truly honest about and with yourself.

I find co-dependency...but is the grass really greener on the other side? Yes someone needs me aswell...but does that mean this person understands me, or just sees the person that they want to. I understand this veil. When you care so much for someone, you see teh things most desired by you...but every other thing doesn't matter so much, and is written off as being of no consequence. maybe even disregarding serious things that may be important to the person.

Could this cause loneliness? Maybe....because if noone sees the you inside, are they really friends with you, or a persona that you must portray to feel the effects of companionship. happy days become stressful days...then stressful days lead to irritating ones..and pretty soon you wish to just be in a corner with yourself..wanting noone to flash concerned eyes your way and pull you out of your musing of humanity's corruption and lack of genuineness.

Is it worth being with people who either don't understand your pain or write it of as just being an odd quirk that ill pass. Or should you really need people to help fix you. If you think that you can't fix yourself does that make you weak?.....does that add to your insecurities? and feeling of worthlessness?

What should be done when you know that you will never find someone to KNOW you...accept it...and grow with you. Being alone doesn't seem like such a horrible thing sometimes....but then there is the envy of the relationships that exist between others. The exclusivity of friendships and even relationship. Does that make you uninteresting? because you cannot grab the attention of someone so hard, that you leave an impression and some degree of co-dependency forms...or is it just foolish to feel that way.

What happens when you understand yourself, but wonder if your thoughts, morals , and ideas even fit in with people. were you wired wrongly? were you born in the wrong time? are you the only person this way? or are you the last of your kind?

Are tears so shameful? because when its such a horrid thing to cry ..when being emotional is a bad feels guilty about the stray tears that fall freely from the eyes.
Is it cowardly to wish that the ones called your friends let you go before you let them go? Then one should be ashamed of fear not so? Where is the courage to find one's self, instead of hanging on to the things that are destroying them.

I can't expect people to be like me. Ad i don't expect to ever find someone who is like that...and for that i am falling within myself. And as i fall i hear the echos of 'you're too emotional' 'close friendships are notimportant' 'your too dependent' 'crying is weakness even if you are a girl'......and i hear the people i love shutting down ever important aspect of myself. I hear accusations of traits i dislike so much that i feel as though ive lost myself. I hear them telling me all the things that i am not and won't be able to do..............

then i hate myself for caring

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