Saturday, October 3, 2009


I'm crowded, but yet i still feel alone.
It's as if i don't belong, and trying to fit in is just destroying myself.
The pain I feel because i can't express myself and be me is ripping from the inside out. Will anyone really ever see me?
Will I ever know how to really make people see me? Can i cure myself of my depression, my insecurity, my insanity?
If only i knew....

Is there ever a time when you look out at everyone and try to find someone most like yourself? Someone who maybe balances you out? or someone who you can truly say sees right through you but you don't mind?
As a person with a truly fragile personality, i have a knack for looking for co-dependency. searching for someone who will attach themselves to me, just as i will attach myself to them. I believe in loving everyone fully, and being able to be open to read. being truly honest about and with yourself.

I find co-dependency...but is the grass really greener on the other side? Yes someone needs me aswell...but does that mean this person understands me, or just sees the person that they want to. I understand this veil. When you care so much for someone, you see teh things most desired by you...but every other thing doesn't matter so much, and is written off as being of no consequence. maybe even disregarding serious things that may be important to the person.

Could this cause loneliness? Maybe....because if noone sees the you inside, are they really friends with you, or a persona that you must portray to feel the effects of companionship. happy days become stressful days...then stressful days lead to irritating ones..and pretty soon you wish to just be in a corner with yourself..wanting noone to flash concerned eyes your way and pull you out of your musing of humanity's corruption and lack of genuineness.

Is it worth being with people who either don't understand your pain or write it of as just being an odd quirk that ill pass. Or should you really need people to help fix you. If you think that you can't fix yourself does that make you weak?.....does that add to your insecurities? and feeling of worthlessness?

What should be done when you know that you will never find someone to KNOW you...accept it...and grow with you. Being alone doesn't seem like such a horrible thing sometimes....but then there is the envy of the relationships that exist between others. The exclusivity of friendships and even relationship. Does that make you uninteresting? because you cannot grab the attention of someone so hard, that you leave an impression and some degree of co-dependency forms...or is it just foolish to feel that way.

What happens when you understand yourself, but wonder if your thoughts, morals , and ideas even fit in with people. were you wired wrongly? were you born in the wrong time? are you the only person this way? or are you the last of your kind?

Are tears so shameful? because when its such a horrid thing to cry ..when being emotional is a bad feels guilty about the stray tears that fall freely from the eyes.
Is it cowardly to wish that the ones called your friends let you go before you let them go? Then one should be ashamed of fear not so? Where is the courage to find one's self, instead of hanging on to the things that are destroying them.

I can't expect people to be like me. Ad i don't expect to ever find someone who is like that...and for that i am falling within myself. And as i fall i hear the echos of 'you're too emotional' 'close friendships are notimportant' 'your too dependent' 'crying is weakness even if you are a girl'......and i hear the people i love shutting down ever important aspect of myself. I hear accusations of traits i dislike so much that i feel as though ive lost myself. I hear them telling me all the things that i am not and won't be able to do..............

then i hate myself for caring

Friday, November 21, 2008

Love? Friends? Confusion?

After being friends with someone for a considerable amount of time, growing in closeness, and loving that person alot; does that mean that there must be some level of attachment. It is a given occurence, even when a member of that friendship does not realize it. We live in a world today where people find it much better for themselves, if they are shielded and are unable to get hurt. This isn't a proper way to live. It is in no way my opinion, that anyone who does that is living a false life, but how can you truly live life,if you aren't afraid to get hurt by it? You only learned how to walk because you weren't afraid of the idea of falling. Of course not many people can remember what was going through their heads when they made their first steps, but it sure as heck wasn't self preservation.

If you push yourself away from people, in order to keep yourself and your heart safe, who are preserving yourself for? yourself?

Of course there is always the possibility of losing yourself in everyday life, but if there is someone there for you, you can make that change back to the person you want to be. The scary part about this though is the thought of giving someone the power to hurt you. Letting them in far enough, and trusting that they will take care of your heart, that sacred organ you refuse to share with others, and hoping that your trust wasn't misplaced.

Sadly, there are only a handful of people that you meet that would actually take care of your heart. If you open up yourself, there is the possibility of it getting damaged soooo many times. But with that handful of people, or that one person, there is the possibility of it healing. Lessons are learnt in so many ways in life. If everyone realized that there is some part of them that doesn't want to get hurt by another person, maybe people would be considerate.

Life however twists us and creates people who could care less, people who are scared, people brimming with confidence, people stuck in the shadow of an empty life, bitter people and those who have given up and don't believe in others. Sometimes we wonder, whats the point in putting trust in someone. and whats the point in having a friend? Sooner or later we are going to break apart and we are not going to remain in contact. Whats the point of forming a bond with someone if its only going to be broken.

I wonder sometimes if certain people try to hide it, but people who distance themselves from others are afraid to care, living in a denial that just isn't healthy. Mind you, no one can dictate how they interact with others, but what of the people they form a bond with. What happens when they suddenly get cold feet, and its just easier to push that person a way. They don't want to be reminded of how much that person meant to them, or how much they cared. The idea of loving that person scares them. It is evident in the way that they brush it off as never having told anyone that they loved them. But why not?

There will always be a time when someone feels something, real, deep and profound about another human being. Why deny yourself that feeling? Are the end result that scary? Not all love have to end in pain? Pain can simply come midway in the relationship (be it friendship, or more than friendship) When i say this i mean that depending on words said in an argument, or battle of the wits (as a way to make it sound less ugly....although most verbal disputes among really close friends can escalate into something so big) feelings can be hurt. But it is this that contributes to the strength of the relationship. If the partners in said relationship can get over simple disputes,and larger disputes, they learn more about each other. The other's personality becomes their business, and because of this general caring and want to not hurt this person, they learn what hurts the other's feelings.

Love has the strangest effect of people, sometimes ending in a person hurting another or simply hurting themselves. Is it simply better not to love? Trust me many have thought so, and many have tried not to. Two of the many ways it could go is that if someone finds themselves falling inlove, they back off and shield themselves, in the process hurting the other person, and then there are those who allow it to happen, and then get hurt by someone.

People like me, who get hurt so often, begin to get used to it, and no longer rationalize it, but learn to live with it. This is never easy. It stilll stings, it hurts just like a razor to the wrists....but it smooths out, and the pain subsides...and you figure out that you are your own person...not a person void of anyone, but your own person.

But what hurts the most, is losing someone whom you never expected to lose. Losing someone when you didn't prepare for it. Of course these things are never prepared for, but its much easier to lose a lover than one of your best friends. Its especially hard to see the friendship deteriorate ever so slightly(with no fault of yours mind you), in ways no one notices (other than you and your friend of course) then having that person tell you its over.

Sometimes tears are shed, and you realize a piece of your heart has not been just damaged, but torn out. leaving only a big bloody gaping hole. It bleeds strongly and none stop, like a fresh open self inflicted wound. Depending on how you cope with these things though, determine how it affects the other people who love you. Everyone says you shouldn't dwell on it, however you find yourself worrying about it, and worrying about your friend. Part of you wants him/her to be ok, but the other part wants their conscience to choke them, so that they realize how much they miss you. Then there is some part that is scared that they don't miss you at all.

When I think about it though, i come to the conclusion that I can't allow it to affect my everyday life....but i can't help but care. Maybe to much emphasis was put on having someone who understood every part of me....but I can't push myself to say that it is better to live within yourself. Self preservation in itself can hurt....But what can I say, maybe I would have been better out without it. I wasn't happy during primary school when that was the attitude i had. Friends really weren't a bother to me...books and writing were the only things that mattered. But can I say i'm happy now...when I feel like i must damage myself, to get over the things that hurt me?

I can't dictate the right Idea...that's why God (I am are allowed to be any denomination of your choice, or none at all..I don't discriminate) gave us the power of choice. You can think freely for yourself...use that ability.